Happy Endings

I went to see “Why Did I Get Married” with my single ladies over 25 small group (we are SO LIVE). Now, let me say this, I am not a Tyler Perry fan and if it wasn’t for the group outing I wouldn’t have gone to see the movie. Whew… just had to get that out there, moving on.

Despite my feeling regarding Tyler Perry’s movies and stage plays, I was still able to enjoy the film. I did have 2 concerns however I will only share one with you.

WARNING
If you haven’t seen the film and want to then you shouldn’t read the rest of the blog.

I didn’t like Shelia’s (Jill Scott) healing process after her emotionally abusive husband informed her he wanted a divorce. Within 8 months Shelia (Jill Scott) was able to heal from her divorce, loose, what seemed to be 100 lbs (ok maybe I’m exaggerating but it was A LOT) and get married. Now I can’t put a time on someone’s healing process or
marriage but I just know for myself I don’t think that’s healthy.

I am so sick and tired of seeing films that portray a happy ending with the women getting the wonderful guy and becoming complete. I’m not saying you won’t ever get the guy and that he won’t be wonderful but I think there are other “happy endings” that could be explored.

Why couldn’t Shelia come back with the weight loss, single and happy? There are a lot of single ladies happy and full-filled with their single hood. My other question is why did a guy have to “save her”? Could she not lose the weight on her own? Did he have to confirm how beautiful and intelligent she was?

I can’t say it wasn’t realistic because many people leave a relationship, only months later to be with someone else and married. Is it healthy is the question I’m asking. Does this contribute to the divorce rate we have?

I discussed this with some people and one of my friends thought I felt like this because of my current situation and I wanted to believe I can be happy without a man. Maybe she was right, I mean can we see a variety of outcomes. Does every movie have to end with the “happy ending” meaning she got the guy “quickly”. Aww well.. this is just me going on my soap box.

Comfort Zone

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)

16-18 So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

I’ve been feeling lonely these last couple of days. Although I have been so busy ripping and running around I still manage to find time to feel lonely. Like I’ve mentioned in other post this is the first time in YEARS I'm not dating someone and I’m not communicating with someone consistently like I have in the past. It’s not the physical attention I’m missing although it would be nice to watch a movie or hang out with a guy. I guess I’m missing the emotional support where I can call him and tell him the great things going on with me as well as the bad things. Where he would call me to tell me good luck or have a great day.

Tired of talking to my friends about it and not getting the comfort I needed I turned to the bible. I looked up scriptures that dealt with loneliness and comfort. I found 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. I love it!! I love how despite what is going on, on the outside God is making a new life on the inside. While God is preparing me to be the women he created me to be he is also preparing the man for me. I love the part of the verse where it says “there is more than meets the eye”. Just because things seem to be looking down regarding a mate I shouldn’t be caught up in that. I shouldn’t let that get me down. What I can’t see is what will last forever.

I find comfort in knowing God is still here. I find comfort in knowing God hasn’t forgotten about me.

I bless myself to trust God regardless of what it looks like on the outside. I bless myself to have patience and be still to let God be who God be so I can be who God created me to be!!!!

4gotten Provision

I’ve been dreading looking at my checking account because I knew I was in the negative. I started a new job in August after almost 9 months of not working. During that time I did get unemployment and I did have some money saved. In May my unemployment stopped and the money I had saved started dwindling. I couldn’t find a job to save my life. I was behind on so many bills so when I started working every check I have received has gone to paying off LARGE amounts of money I owe.

The minute I would get my check my money was already gone so then it left me with very little to live off of. I looked at my account this morning and the same way I responded the last time is the same way I responded today with a sigh. I sigh of disgust and frustration. I wondered when will I be able to see above water.

What I was quickly reminded of is how God has provided for me during these times. Although my account was negative a few days after I got paid I have been able to eat, drive, dance, laugh and play I mean the list can go on and on.

Why was I so quick to worry?
Why had I so quickly forgotten what God had done for me and what God is currently doing for me?

I plan to keep on reminding you of these things—even though you already know them and are standing firm in the truth.” (2 Peter 1:12 NLT)

I am a facilitator of a small group of women at Awakenings Movement. I have asked everyone to write down their prayer request in their journals and mark them off as they are answered. This way they will know and believe that God is still there and he GOT YOU.

I guess I can say I suggested something that I need to do more than anything.

Thank you God, for showing me how to lead by first being an example. How should I expect people to trust and follow if I am not trusting you and following you. Thank you God for providing for me despite how things may appear. Forgive me for not trusting you, worrying and questioning. You said it and you have proven to me so many times.

Confession 1.02

Ever wish you came into a certain piece of knowledge or information in the past. You think to yourself "If I would have known this last month, year, etc" I'm currently reading a book titled "Boy Meets Girl" and I'm loving it. I'm loving it so much that I'm reading it at work when I need to be working.

Anyways it looks at relationships from a biblical standpoint. Dating with a purpose and how romance can be chaperoned by wisdom.

I confess YES I am going through a period of fasting (you can say) from men. Not dating, kicking it, hanging out, all of that unless in a group setting but nothing one on one (I'm not a prude and I enjoy having fun. I found myself liking this guy in which I so impatiently shared my feelings to him. Afterwards I thought maybe that wasn't a good idea. With more prayer and reading I know it wasn't a good idea.

Why couldn't I have had this book 2 weeks ago before I so candidly and selfishly opened myself up. If I'm taking this time to set myself away from men to develop a deeper relationship with God then I have to trust God and the plan he has for my life.
Something I never thought about was asked in the book and it made me take a more mature thought towards relationships.

In glorifying God you put your needs and interest aside and base your decision on what serves the other person. So I asked myself

Is starting this relationship now what's best for him?

Will expressing all my feelings now serve him?

Considering I didn't and don't plan on starting a relationship right now... it wasn't wise to share my thoughts. In expressing my feelings I didn't consider his feelings. I didn't think about if this is what he needed to hear. I didn't think about his spiritual journey and if this would be a distraction for him.

Most importantly I didn't trust GOD. Although I can't take back my past I can be intentional on how I move forward. I can be committed to my fast from men right now and continue developing my relationship with God.

Well since I've decided to change my lifestyle and make God my focus I want to be transparent (my new favorite word). I want to "keep it real" (my not so favorite phrase). I want people to see the things I am challenged with although I have chosen this lifestyle.

Entry 1.01

In August a person I had been speaking to suggested I take a 6 month "leave of absence" from the dating world. When she suggested the idea I thought to myself "Is she serious, I've had a boyfriend or seriously dated someone since I was 14". Later that day her suggestion stuck with me and I started to think about my past relationships and where I was right then. I thought about what lead me to that point in which I needed to speak with her. I thought about everything I had experienced in relationships and how it left me.

I was broken, torn and empty. I felt like I didn't know who I was or how I was going to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and failed relationships. I didn't know what to do therefore I agreed to take the 6 month "leave of absence". What did this mean? What did it consist of? I decided I wouldn't date, hang out with, kick with men unless it was in a group setting and not a double date type of thing.

I am taking this time to develop and nurture my relationship with God. Who is God to me? How does God love me? What is God's purpose for my life? In nurturing my relationship with God I will learn how to have relationships with people i.e. family, friends, co-workers, men, women, etc. Setting myself apart from the thing that has distracted me the most "men" and setting myself to God will make God the focus of my life.

I have openly shared this decision with many people my mom, sister, exes, friends, men, women, etc. Not realizing how my decision would affect someone else I was surprised when a friend IM'd me and said she was going to do the exact same thing from listening to me. WOW I am being a Culture Shaper (smile).

I decided to blog my experiences and challenges to share with women and men. While I have made a conscious decision to take this path there are challenges I still face. I don't want to present this Holy Roley persona. I want to be transparent and share the good the bad and ugly. There are some days I don't want to do this. There are some days I want to just meet up with a guy and watch a movie. There are times I do fall and make mistakes. I want to share those things with women, with you.

I thank you (Kiki) for the inspiration to start a blog and agreeing to take this journey. I say it has only been a month and a half but I'm enjoying it and looking forward to God revealing more to me and our relationship growing stronger.