Life Map

I am really nervous to share this with you… I didn’t proofread it for fear that I would delete it.

Lately I’ve been asking myself
Why do I desire to be in a relationship so badly?
Why am I attracted to men who are emotionally or physically unavailable?
Why can’t I just BE (ya know)??

I shared this frustration with the ladies in my small group (sidebar SINGLE LADIES put your thumbs up). One of the ladies suggest I go back the way I came. I asked her what did she mean and she said go through your most significant relationships and ask yourself why did you get into it and how did it end? On my way home I started to think on it, I’ve only had 2 significant relationships but as I dug deeper I noticed something. I am not sure I want to share it but then again I wouldn’t be transparent or REAL.

I was in a 7 year relationship that started when I was 15 and lasted until I graduated college when I was 22. I left that relationships and found myself in a pseudo relationship with this guy who had a girl-friend. I spent 3 years going back and forth with this person, trying to convince him and myself I was worth being the “Main chick” “Only One”. I felt like the entire time I was competing not just with the girlfriend (whom later became ex-girlfriend) but with all of the women he entertained. He and I finally became a couple “official” but it didn’t last long. To me, something was still missing and it didn’t feel right. It came to a dramatic end where I walked away for good feeling like I lost. I was given some advice that helped me through the ending. “You have to lose in order to gain” said my pastor. In order to gain the man God has for you, you have to lose the man you have claimed for yourself. So, what made me get into this relationship?

Well once I ended the 7 year relationship someone expressed an interest in me. Although he was taken it felt good that interest was expressed. I knew he had a girl friend but I convinced myself into thinking that I must be better than her or then he wouldn’t be pursuing me. I think I should back-track right now… cause here come the revelation. Dating back to 1st grade the “boyfriend, crush, significant other” whatever you want to call them… left me for another female or had another female (main chick) while talking to me. (EXCEPT for 1 person) That one person is my ex of 7 years which explains why I was with him for 7 years. Ok back to the story… In my last relationship subconsciously I felt like this time I wasn’t going to loose. There was hope… I could win this time. It then became about the Victory and not that person. I was so obsessed with redeeming myself through my relationship I put up with so much JUNK.

The person I was with for 7 years wasn’t like that which is why I felt safe with him. He was my security blanket because no matter what I did he was always there. During the time he and I were together I would often break up to date someone else. Many of these men were in a relationship (I didn’t know about at the time). Once that was over I would go back to my security blanket. Till this day this person still serves as security blanket for me. He is still there for me whenever I need him.

As I sit here forcing myself to get this out… I feel like I don’t know where to go from here. It’s like I’ve swept behind the dresser and emptied out the drawers. I’m sitting in a pile of mess not knowing how to pick the pieces up. I feel like there is more on this journey tracing back. I haven't included the element of my dad which I am so scared to do right now.

Where do I go from here?