Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I Want U!!!
Last Nite, I was having a moment so instead of just accepting it, I decided to get to the core of it and figure out where it was coming from. I decided to read Song of Solomon, WHY did I decide to read Song of Solomon, I have no earthly idea. It’s very romantic, erotic and more. As I was thinking, Dangit, I want someone to pursue me, I want someone to WANT to be with me. I then heard God speak to me, I want you, and I’m pursuing you. This void I had been feeling for so long felt filled (a bit). It was like a feeling I had never felt before in my life. It was an awesome feeling I could trust, God is pursuing me and he wants me, loves me, JUST AS I AM. How wonderful is that? I don’t have to change anything and I can show him EVERYTHING, the good, the bad and ugly.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Past Occurrences
It’s been a while since I’ve last blogged. The commitment to blog once a week, HA, was SHOT. A conversation I had last night prompted me to blog. A few months ago I decided to let go of some people, places and things to fully commit myself to God’s plan for my life. For some time I didn’t speak to or see people I was accustom to seeing. More recently I’ve slowly began to go to some places I use to frequent (they weren’t bad I was just avoiding people) and I’m seeing people from my past.
Well to them I’m the same person; I’ve just been off the scene for a min so some approach me on the same kind of stuff I was on before. Instead of me telling everyone what the deal is with me now, I avoid conversations or ignore certain suggestions. For example, I’m not having sex and so people who I wanted to get down with in the past approach me now and instead of me saying “Naw I don’t get down like that anymore, it doesn’t align with where I am now”, I ignore it. Then I wonder “Why do they keep coming at me like that?”
My friend asked me if I was ashamed or not comfortable with sharing with these people who I am now. I told him it’s not that I’m ashamed but I don’t want to be perceived as something I’m not AND I don’t want them to be like this is only temporary she will be back (kinda deal).
I’m thinking right now, “Why do I care what they think?” Why do I care about what someone or some people who care nothing about me think? Why is this fear of rejection SO STRONG and where does it stem from?? I’ve been reading this book called the “Search for Significance” and it addresses these questions.
On my way to work this morning I was trying to recall the first time I felt rejected and from who…I’m still thinking, needless to say.
Well to them I’m the same person; I’ve just been off the scene for a min so some approach me on the same kind of stuff I was on before. Instead of me telling everyone what the deal is with me now, I avoid conversations or ignore certain suggestions. For example, I’m not having sex and so people who I wanted to get down with in the past approach me now and instead of me saying “Naw I don’t get down like that anymore, it doesn’t align with where I am now”, I ignore it. Then I wonder “Why do they keep coming at me like that?”
My friend asked me if I was ashamed or not comfortable with sharing with these people who I am now. I told him it’s not that I’m ashamed but I don’t want to be perceived as something I’m not AND I don’t want them to be like this is only temporary she will be back (kinda deal).
I’m thinking right now, “Why do I care what they think?” Why do I care about what someone or some people who care nothing about me think? Why is this fear of rejection SO STRONG and where does it stem from?? I’ve been reading this book called the “Search for Significance” and it addresses these questions.
On my way to work this morning I was trying to recall the first time I felt rejected and from who…I’m still thinking, needless to say.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Life Map
I am really nervous to share this with you… I didn’t proofread it for fear that I would delete it.
Lately I’ve been asking myself
Why do I desire to be in a relationship so badly?
Why am I attracted to men who are emotionally or physically unavailable?
Why can’t I just BE (ya know)??
I shared this frustration with the ladies in my small group (sidebar SINGLE LADIES put your thumbs up). One of the ladies suggest I go back the way I came. I asked her what did she mean and she said go through your most significant relationships and ask yourself why did you get into it and how did it end? On my way home I started to think on it, I’ve only had 2 significant relationships but as I dug deeper I noticed something. I am not sure I want to share it but then again I wouldn’t be transparent or REAL.
I was in a 7 year relationship that started when I was 15 and lasted until I graduated college when I was 22. I left that relationships and found myself in a pseudo relationship with this guy who had a girl-friend. I spent 3 years going back and forth with this person, trying to convince him and myself I was worth being the “Main chick” “Only One”. I felt like the entire time I was competing not just with the girlfriend (whom later became ex-girlfriend) but with all of the women he entertained. He and I finally became a couple “official” but it didn’t last long. To me, something was still missing and it didn’t feel right. It came to a dramatic end where I walked away for good feeling like I lost. I was given some advice that helped me through the ending. “You have to lose in order to gain” said my pastor. In order to gain the man God has for you, you have to lose the man you have claimed for yourself. So, what made me get into this relationship?
Well once I ended the 7 year relationship someone expressed an interest in me. Although he was taken it felt good that interest was expressed. I knew he had a girl friend but I convinced myself into thinking that I must be better than her or then he wouldn’t be pursuing me. I think I should back-track right now… cause here come the revelation. Dating back to 1st grade the “boyfriend, crush, significant other” whatever you want to call them… left me for another female or had another female (main chick) while talking to me. (EXCEPT for 1 person) That one person is my ex of 7 years which explains why I was with him for 7 years. Ok back to the story… In my last relationship subconsciously I felt like this time I wasn’t going to loose. There was hope… I could win this time. It then became about the Victory and not that person. I was so obsessed with redeeming myself through my relationship I put up with so much JUNK.
The person I was with for 7 years wasn’t like that which is why I felt safe with him. He was my security blanket because no matter what I did he was always there. During the time he and I were together I would often break up to date someone else. Many of these men were in a relationship (I didn’t know about at the time). Once that was over I would go back to my security blanket. Till this day this person still serves as security blanket for me. He is still there for me whenever I need him.
As I sit here forcing myself to get this out… I feel like I don’t know where to go from here. It’s like I’ve swept behind the dresser and emptied out the drawers. I’m sitting in a pile of mess not knowing how to pick the pieces up. I feel like there is more on this journey tracing back. I haven't included the element of my dad which I am so scared to do right now.
Where do I go from here?
Lately I’ve been asking myself
Why do I desire to be in a relationship so badly?
Why am I attracted to men who are emotionally or physically unavailable?
Why can’t I just BE (ya know)??
I shared this frustration with the ladies in my small group (sidebar SINGLE LADIES put your thumbs up). One of the ladies suggest I go back the way I came. I asked her what did she mean and she said go through your most significant relationships and ask yourself why did you get into it and how did it end? On my way home I started to think on it, I’ve only had 2 significant relationships but as I dug deeper I noticed something. I am not sure I want to share it but then again I wouldn’t be transparent or REAL.
I was in a 7 year relationship that started when I was 15 and lasted until I graduated college when I was 22. I left that relationships and found myself in a pseudo relationship with this guy who had a girl-friend. I spent 3 years going back and forth with this person, trying to convince him and myself I was worth being the “Main chick” “Only One”. I felt like the entire time I was competing not just with the girlfriend (whom later became ex-girlfriend) but with all of the women he entertained. He and I finally became a couple “official” but it didn’t last long. To me, something was still missing and it didn’t feel right. It came to a dramatic end where I walked away for good feeling like I lost. I was given some advice that helped me through the ending. “You have to lose in order to gain” said my pastor. In order to gain the man God has for you, you have to lose the man you have claimed for yourself. So, what made me get into this relationship?
Well once I ended the 7 year relationship someone expressed an interest in me. Although he was taken it felt good that interest was expressed. I knew he had a girl friend but I convinced myself into thinking that I must be better than her or then he wouldn’t be pursuing me. I think I should back-track right now… cause here come the revelation. Dating back to 1st grade the “boyfriend, crush, significant other” whatever you want to call them… left me for another female or had another female (main chick) while talking to me. (EXCEPT for 1 person) That one person is my ex of 7 years which explains why I was with him for 7 years. Ok back to the story… In my last relationship subconsciously I felt like this time I wasn’t going to loose. There was hope… I could win this time. It then became about the Victory and not that person. I was so obsessed with redeeming myself through my relationship I put up with so much JUNK.
The person I was with for 7 years wasn’t like that which is why I felt safe with him. He was my security blanket because no matter what I did he was always there. During the time he and I were together I would often break up to date someone else. Many of these men were in a relationship (I didn’t know about at the time). Once that was over I would go back to my security blanket. Till this day this person still serves as security blanket for me. He is still there for me whenever I need him.
As I sit here forcing myself to get this out… I feel like I don’t know where to go from here. It’s like I’ve swept behind the dresser and emptied out the drawers. I’m sitting in a pile of mess not knowing how to pick the pieces up. I feel like there is more on this journey tracing back. I haven't included the element of my dad which I am so scared to do right now.
Where do I go from here?
Monday, October 22, 2007
Happy Endings
I went to see “Why Did I Get Married” with my single ladies over 25 small group (we are SO LIVE). Now, let me say this, I am not a Tyler Perry fan and if it wasn’t for the group outing I wouldn’t have gone to see the movie. Whew… just had to get that out there, moving on.
Despite my feeling regarding Tyler Perry’s movies and stage plays, I was still able to enjoy the film. I did have 2 concerns however I will only share one with you.
WARNING
If you haven’t seen the film and want to then you shouldn’t read the rest of the blog.
I didn’t like Shelia’s (Jill Scott) healing process after her emotionally abusive husband informed her he wanted a divorce. Within 8 months Shelia (Jill Scott) was able to heal from her divorce, loose, what seemed to be 100 lbs (ok maybe I’m exaggerating but it was A LOT) and get married. Now I can’t put a time on someone’s healing process or
marriage but I just know for myself I don’t think that’s healthy.
I am so sick and tired of seeing films that portray a happy ending with the women getting the wonderful guy and becoming complete. I’m not saying you won’t ever get the guy and that he won’t be wonderful but I think there are other “happy endings” that could be explored.
Why couldn’t Shelia come back with the weight loss, single and happy? There are a lot of single ladies happy and full-filled with their single hood. My other question is why did a guy have to “save her”? Could she not lose the weight on her own? Did he have to confirm how beautiful and intelligent she was?
I can’t say it wasn’t realistic because many people leave a relationship, only months later to be with someone else and married. Is it healthy is the question I’m asking. Does this contribute to the divorce rate we have?
I discussed this with some people and one of my friends thought I felt like this because of my current situation and I wanted to believe I can be happy without a man. Maybe she was right, I mean can we see a variety of outcomes. Does every movie have to end with the “happy ending” meaning she got the guy “quickly”. Aww well.. this is just me going on my soap box.
Despite my feeling regarding Tyler Perry’s movies and stage plays, I was still able to enjoy the film. I did have 2 concerns however I will only share one with you.
WARNING
If you haven’t seen the film and want to then you shouldn’t read the rest of the blog.
I didn’t like Shelia’s (Jill Scott) healing process after her emotionally abusive husband informed her he wanted a divorce. Within 8 months Shelia (Jill Scott) was able to heal from her divorce, loose, what seemed to be 100 lbs (ok maybe I’m exaggerating but it was A LOT) and get married. Now I can’t put a time on someone’s healing process or
marriage but I just know for myself I don’t think that’s healthy.
I am so sick and tired of seeing films that portray a happy ending with the women getting the wonderful guy and becoming complete. I’m not saying you won’t ever get the guy and that he won’t be wonderful but I think there are other “happy endings” that could be explored.
Why couldn’t Shelia come back with the weight loss, single and happy? There are a lot of single ladies happy and full-filled with their single hood. My other question is why did a guy have to “save her”? Could she not lose the weight on her own? Did he have to confirm how beautiful and intelligent she was?
I can’t say it wasn’t realistic because many people leave a relationship, only months later to be with someone else and married. Is it healthy is the question I’m asking. Does this contribute to the divorce rate we have?
I discussed this with some people and one of my friends thought I felt like this because of my current situation and I wanted to believe I can be happy without a man. Maybe she was right, I mean can we see a variety of outcomes. Does every movie have to end with the “happy ending” meaning she got the guy “quickly”. Aww well.. this is just me going on my soap box.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Comfort Zone
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)
16-18 So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
I’ve been feeling lonely these last couple of days. Although I have been so busy ripping and running around I still manage to find time to feel lonely. Like I’ve mentioned in other post this is the first time in YEARS I'm not dating someone and I’m not communicating with someone consistently like I have in the past. It’s not the physical attention I’m missing although it would be nice to watch a movie or hang out with a guy. I guess I’m missing the emotional support where I can call him and tell him the great things going on with me as well as the bad things. Where he would call me to tell me good luck or have a great day.
Tired of talking to my friends about it and not getting the comfort I needed I turned to the bible. I looked up scriptures that dealt with loneliness and comfort. I found 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. I love it!! I love how despite what is going on, on the outside God is making a new life on the inside. While God is preparing me to be the women he created me to be he is also preparing the man for me. I love the part of the verse where it says “there is more than meets the eye”. Just because things seem to be looking down regarding a mate I shouldn’t be caught up in that. I shouldn’t let that get me down. What I can’t see is what will last forever.
I find comfort in knowing God is still here. I find comfort in knowing God hasn’t forgotten about me.
I bless myself to trust God regardless of what it looks like on the outside. I bless myself to have patience and be still to let God be who God be so I can be who God created me to be!!!!
16-18 So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
I’ve been feeling lonely these last couple of days. Although I have been so busy ripping and running around I still manage to find time to feel lonely. Like I’ve mentioned in other post this is the first time in YEARS I'm not dating someone and I’m not communicating with someone consistently like I have in the past. It’s not the physical attention I’m missing although it would be nice to watch a movie or hang out with a guy. I guess I’m missing the emotional support where I can call him and tell him the great things going on with me as well as the bad things. Where he would call me to tell me good luck or have a great day.
Tired of talking to my friends about it and not getting the comfort I needed I turned to the bible. I looked up scriptures that dealt with loneliness and comfort. I found 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. I love it!! I love how despite what is going on, on the outside God is making a new life on the inside. While God is preparing me to be the women he created me to be he is also preparing the man for me. I love the part of the verse where it says “there is more than meets the eye”. Just because things seem to be looking down regarding a mate I shouldn’t be caught up in that. I shouldn’t let that get me down. What I can’t see is what will last forever.
I find comfort in knowing God is still here. I find comfort in knowing God hasn’t forgotten about me.
I bless myself to trust God regardless of what it looks like on the outside. I bless myself to have patience and be still to let God be who God be so I can be who God created me to be!!!!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
4gotten Provision
I’ve been dreading looking at my checking account because I knew I was in the negative. I started a new job in August after almost 9 months of not working. During that time I did get unemployment and I did have some money saved. In May my unemployment stopped and the money I had saved started dwindling. I couldn’t find a job to save my life. I was behind on so many bills so when I started working every check I have received has gone to paying off LARGE amounts of money I owe.
The minute I would get my check my money was already gone so then it left me with very little to live off of. I looked at my account this morning and the same way I responded the last time is the same way I responded today with a sigh. I sigh of disgust and frustration. I wondered when will I be able to see above water.
What I was quickly reminded of is how God has provided for me during these times. Although my account was negative a few days after I got paid I have been able to eat, drive, dance, laugh and play I mean the list can go on and on.
Why was I so quick to worry?
Why had I so quickly forgotten what God had done for me and what God is currently doing for me?
I plan to keep on reminding you of these things—even though you already know them and are standing firm in the truth.” (2 Peter 1:12 NLT)
I am a facilitator of a small group of women at Awakenings Movement. I have asked everyone to write down their prayer request in their journals and mark them off as they are answered. This way they will know and believe that God is still there and he GOT YOU.
I guess I can say I suggested something that I need to do more than anything.
Thank you God, for showing me how to lead by first being an example. How should I expect people to trust and follow if I am not trusting you and following you. Thank you God for providing for me despite how things may appear. Forgive me for not trusting you, worrying and questioning. You said it and you have proven to me so many times.
The minute I would get my check my money was already gone so then it left me with very little to live off of. I looked at my account this morning and the same way I responded the last time is the same way I responded today with a sigh. I sigh of disgust and frustration. I wondered when will I be able to see above water.
What I was quickly reminded of is how God has provided for me during these times. Although my account was negative a few days after I got paid I have been able to eat, drive, dance, laugh and play I mean the list can go on and on.
Why was I so quick to worry?
Why had I so quickly forgotten what God had done for me and what God is currently doing for me?
I plan to keep on reminding you of these things—even though you already know them and are standing firm in the truth.” (2 Peter 1:12 NLT)
I am a facilitator of a small group of women at Awakenings Movement. I have asked everyone to write down their prayer request in their journals and mark them off as they are answered. This way they will know and believe that God is still there and he GOT YOU.
I guess I can say I suggested something that I need to do more than anything.
Thank you God, for showing me how to lead by first being an example. How should I expect people to trust and follow if I am not trusting you and following you. Thank you God for providing for me despite how things may appear. Forgive me for not trusting you, worrying and questioning. You said it and you have proven to me so many times.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Confession 1.02
Ever wish you came into a certain piece of knowledge or information in the past. You think to yourself "If I would have known this last month, year, etc" I'm currently reading a book titled "Boy Meets Girl" and I'm loving it. I'm loving it so much that I'm reading it at work when I need to be working.
Anyways it looks at relationships from a biblical standpoint. Dating with a purpose and how romance can be chaperoned by wisdom.
I confess YES I am going through a period of fasting (you can say) from men. Not dating, kicking it, hanging out, all of that unless in a group setting but nothing one on one (I'm not a prude and I enjoy having fun. I found myself liking this guy in which I so impatiently shared my feelings to him. Afterwards I thought maybe that wasn't a good idea. With more prayer and reading I know it wasn't a good idea.
Why couldn't I have had this book 2 weeks ago before I so candidly and selfishly opened myself up. If I'm taking this time to set myself away from men to develop a deeper relationship with God then I have to trust God and the plan he has for my life.
Something I never thought about was asked in the book and it made me take a more mature thought towards relationships.
In glorifying God you put your needs and interest aside and base your decision on what serves the other person. So I asked myself
Is starting this relationship now what's best for him?
Will expressing all my feelings now serve him?
Considering I didn't and don't plan on starting a relationship right now... it wasn't wise to share my thoughts. In expressing my feelings I didn't consider his feelings. I didn't think about if this is what he needed to hear. I didn't think about his spiritual journey and if this would be a distraction for him.
Most importantly I didn't trust GOD. Although I can't take back my past I can be intentional on how I move forward. I can be committed to my fast from men right now and continue developing my relationship with God.
Well since I've decided to change my lifestyle and make God my focus I want to be transparent (my new favorite word). I want to "keep it real" (my not so favorite phrase). I want people to see the things I am challenged with although I have chosen this lifestyle.
Anyways it looks at relationships from a biblical standpoint. Dating with a purpose and how romance can be chaperoned by wisdom.
I confess YES I am going through a period of fasting (you can say) from men. Not dating, kicking it, hanging out, all of that unless in a group setting but nothing one on one (I'm not a prude and I enjoy having fun. I found myself liking this guy in which I so impatiently shared my feelings to him. Afterwards I thought maybe that wasn't a good idea. With more prayer and reading I know it wasn't a good idea.
Why couldn't I have had this book 2 weeks ago before I so candidly and selfishly opened myself up. If I'm taking this time to set myself away from men to develop a deeper relationship with God then I have to trust God and the plan he has for my life.
Something I never thought about was asked in the book and it made me take a more mature thought towards relationships.
In glorifying God you put your needs and interest aside and base your decision on what serves the other person. So I asked myself
Is starting this relationship now what's best for him?
Will expressing all my feelings now serve him?
Considering I didn't and don't plan on starting a relationship right now... it wasn't wise to share my thoughts. In expressing my feelings I didn't consider his feelings. I didn't think about if this is what he needed to hear. I didn't think about his spiritual journey and if this would be a distraction for him.
Most importantly I didn't trust GOD. Although I can't take back my past I can be intentional on how I move forward. I can be committed to my fast from men right now and continue developing my relationship with God.
Well since I've decided to change my lifestyle and make God my focus I want to be transparent (my new favorite word). I want to "keep it real" (my not so favorite phrase). I want people to see the things I am challenged with although I have chosen this lifestyle.
Entry 1.01
In August a person I had been speaking to suggested I take a 6 month "leave of absence" from the dating world. When she suggested the idea I thought to myself "Is she serious, I've had a boyfriend or seriously dated someone since I was 14". Later that day her suggestion stuck with me and I started to think about my past relationships and where I was right then. I thought about what lead me to that point in which I needed to speak with her. I thought about everything I had experienced in relationships and how it left me.
I was broken, torn and empty. I felt like I didn't know who I was or how I was going to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and failed relationships. I didn't know what to do therefore I agreed to take the 6 month "leave of absence". What did this mean? What did it consist of? I decided I wouldn't date, hang out with, kick with men unless it was in a group setting and not a double date type of thing.
I am taking this time to develop and nurture my relationship with God. Who is God to me? How does God love me? What is God's purpose for my life? In nurturing my relationship with God I will learn how to have relationships with people i.e. family, friends, co-workers, men, women, etc. Setting myself apart from the thing that has distracted me the most "men" and setting myself to God will make God the focus of my life.
I have openly shared this decision with many people my mom, sister, exes, friends, men, women, etc. Not realizing how my decision would affect someone else I was surprised when a friend IM'd me and said she was going to do the exact same thing from listening to me. WOW I am being a Culture Shaper (smile).
I decided to blog my experiences and challenges to share with women and men. While I have made a conscious decision to take this path there are challenges I still face. I don't want to present this Holy Roley persona. I want to be transparent and share the good the bad and ugly. There are some days I don't want to do this. There are some days I want to just meet up with a guy and watch a movie. There are times I do fall and make mistakes. I want to share those things with women, with you.
I thank you (Kiki) for the inspiration to start a blog and agreeing to take this journey. I say it has only been a month and a half but I'm enjoying it and looking forward to God revealing more to me and our relationship growing stronger.
I was broken, torn and empty. I felt like I didn't know who I was or how I was going to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and failed relationships. I didn't know what to do therefore I agreed to take the 6 month "leave of absence". What did this mean? What did it consist of? I decided I wouldn't date, hang out with, kick with men unless it was in a group setting and not a double date type of thing.
I am taking this time to develop and nurture my relationship with God. Who is God to me? How does God love me? What is God's purpose for my life? In nurturing my relationship with God I will learn how to have relationships with people i.e. family, friends, co-workers, men, women, etc. Setting myself apart from the thing that has distracted me the most "men" and setting myself to God will make God the focus of my life.
I have openly shared this decision with many people my mom, sister, exes, friends, men, women, etc. Not realizing how my decision would affect someone else I was surprised when a friend IM'd me and said she was going to do the exact same thing from listening to me. WOW I am being a Culture Shaper (smile).
I decided to blog my experiences and challenges to share with women and men. While I have made a conscious decision to take this path there are challenges I still face. I don't want to present this Holy Roley persona. I want to be transparent and share the good the bad and ugly. There are some days I don't want to do this. There are some days I want to just meet up with a guy and watch a movie. There are times I do fall and make mistakes. I want to share those things with women, with you.
I thank you (Kiki) for the inspiration to start a blog and agreeing to take this journey. I say it has only been a month and a half but I'm enjoying it and looking forward to God revealing more to me and our relationship growing stronger.
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