I Want U!!!

Last Nite, I was having a moment so instead of just accepting it, I decided to get to the core of it and figure out where it was coming from. I decided to read Song of Solomon, WHY did I decide to read Song of Solomon, I have no earthly idea. It’s very romantic, erotic and more. As I was thinking, Dangit, I want someone to pursue me, I want someone to WANT to be with me. I then heard God speak to me, I want you, and I’m pursuing you. This void I had been feeling for so long felt filled (a bit). It was like a feeling I had never felt before in my life. It was an awesome feeling I could trust, God is pursuing me and he wants me, loves me, JUST AS I AM. How wonderful is that? I don’t have to change anything and I can show him EVERYTHING, the good, the bad and ugly.

Past Occurrences

It’s been a while since I’ve last blogged. The commitment to blog once a week, HA, was SHOT. A conversation I had last night prompted me to blog. A few months ago I decided to let go of some people, places and things to fully commit myself to God’s plan for my life. For some time I didn’t speak to or see people I was accustom to seeing. More recently I’ve slowly began to go to some places I use to frequent (they weren’t bad I was just avoiding people) and I’m seeing people from my past.

Well to them I’m the same person; I’ve just been off the scene for a min so some approach me on the same kind of stuff I was on before. Instead of me telling everyone what the deal is with me now, I avoid conversations or ignore certain suggestions. For example, I’m not having sex and so people who I wanted to get down with in the past approach me now and instead of me saying “Naw I don’t get down like that anymore, it doesn’t align with where I am now”, I ignore it. Then I wonder “Why do they keep coming at me like that?”

My friend asked me if I was ashamed or not comfortable with sharing with these people who I am now. I told him it’s not that I’m ashamed but I don’t want to be perceived as something I’m not AND I don’t want them to be like this is only temporary she will be back (kinda deal).

I’m thinking right now, “Why do I care what they think?” Why do I care about what someone or some people who care nothing about me think? Why is this fear of rejection SO STRONG and where does it stem from?? I’ve been reading this book called the “Search for Significance” and it addresses these questions.

On my way to work this morning I was trying to recall the first time I felt rejected and from who…I’m still thinking, needless to say.