Help Me Believe

I decided to listen to some old Kirk Franklin, now I’m not the biggest Kirk Franklin fan but he does have a few tracks that goes hard. I ran across this song called Help Me Believe and it is SO PERFECT for my life right now. Around this time last year I recommitted my life to Christ. I dove right in, serving everywhere I could. I surrounded myself around like minded individuals. I left people along, stop going to places I use to frequent and I was sky rocketing. Before I knew it I was asked to come on board and work for Awakenings Movement. I didn’t fully realized what I agreed to but I know now I agreed to LIVE a life of building God’s kingdom (monetary paycheck).

I never understood why I was asked to serve in God’s kingdom at this level. LEADERSHIP, me, are you serious?? I’m just trying to get it right like everyone else. At one point I thought I did something right but lately I have come to realize NO, not so much. As I type this right now I still don’t understand what it is, all I know is that I have a mission and I can’t live (literally) unless I carry it out.

I have come to a place in my walk where I’m being challenged to live like I believe. The only problem in that is that my belief isn’t very strong. I know surprising huh. This leader in the church, oh, ye of little faith the question I ask myself is “Why would God call someone to lead who has issues in believing”. This area in belief is the reason why I left following Christ and searched for something else previous to my recommitment.

Now I know without a doubt this is the path I must run on I still have the same issue. Lately I have played this song ALL day praying to God, to help me believe. I want to believe and I am at a point that I have to believe. I want to believe that God has my best in mind. I want to believe that God has plans to prosper me and not harm me. I want to believe that if I delight myself in him, he will give me the desires of my heart. I want to believe that I can be healed from my brokenness. I want to believe that I can love myself and be GREAT with the person he created me to be. I want to believe he wouldn’t call me to something he didn’t already prepare me for. I want to believe that he will never leave me or forsaken me. I want to believe that before the foundations of the earth he planned out my life.

Ok, so there, I’ve said it. I want to believe. Please God, help me believe.

Tha Conclusion

I’ve been intending on typing a conclusion to my “Journey to a 6 pack” however I didn't do so. As my consecration was coming to an end I started to do a lot of reflecting. Looking back at where I was in I started the consecration to where I am now. I’ve reread journal entries, skim through books I’ve read and had my last session with my Life Coach. The last 6 months have been so important to me because it was the beginning of a new life. A beginning of my new life with Christ, I’d hit my bottom and I was finally ready to dive in DEEP seeking God with everything I had.

“It’s not about the destination it’s about the journey” which is a quote I had to remind myself throughout. The journey, I can honestly say was better than the destination. I will be honest I did expect more at the end of my consecration. In my subconscious I thought God would reveal to me the man that he had for me. Little did I know the dreams I held on to would be shattered before my very eyes.

I challenge any and everyone to go on a journey of SEEKING God...unlike before and separating yourself from people of the opposite sex. At times it was really difficult and yes there were days I cried and other days I laughed but overall I haven’t experience a joy like this since I was a little girl.

There are so many relationships I have been able to develop and I am so grateful for those who have played a role in my life. I have been able to write a few skits, produced 2 shows audition step into the Houston theatre world, oh yea dance for 2 dance companies.

So, what about now and the shattered dreams you may wonder. Well because of the dreams being shattered I was able to finally write down what I am looking for in a husband. While I am still open to the imagination of God and I’m expecting him to KNOCK my socks off I still need something to measure in the meantime so I won’t find myself repeating history.

I want to thank of all you, those who are currently in my life and those from my past. Both help to mold who I am today and I LOVE who I am today.

A Bar in the Sky

So I went out to the Skybar last night for a friends birthday. I am only 27 not old at all and being at the skybar I am CLEARLY not the oldest or close to the oldest person there but I felt SO OLD. We get there and immediately I start dancing (which isn't surprising). I dance HARD, like I have kids at home and I haven't been out since 1999. After an hour or so I was done, I could have gone home and called it a night but I didn't drive. I pop a squat and cheered my friends on as they danced as if their life depended on it. As I sat there enjoying the band I became aware of a few things. I would like to share with you what I learned from being at the SkyBar.

The Skybar is the only place you can go and see someone who could be your grandfather and not feel bad about dropping it like it's hot.

You never have to worry about not looking fly... there is someone who looks 10x's worst.

It's the only black club you can go to and dance like you are at a white club.

You will feel like a celebrity if you dance b/c men will crowd around you and watch and then ask for your name and number afterwards.

Those same men, if rejected will go to the next female in your crew.

People grind on each other as if there isn't the option of getting a room.

Even on a cold rainy night the faithful will still come out and PARTY HARD.

One drink will have you really "RIGHT".

There are black people who can't dance.

There's something about a soulful singing white guys that fascinates black ppl (thanks RO)

Ok so today I will be going to a hip hop concert... hmm what will I learn from that.

Final Stretch

Today marks the 6 month of my consecration. It is amazing what I have experienced these few months. My relationship with God has grew exponentially and I have learned things about myself that I didn’t know before. Each month there has been themes and lessons which pushed me to grow in certain areas. Many of the lessons I am still learning and processing but I can say I have grown.

I will admit the consecration hasn’t been an easy one and I have done a lot of griping and complaining. There are areas I could have resisted and I’m sad to say I didn’t. At church on the “truth communication” was on being MUTE. I identified with being emotionally mute. The analogy that was used for emotionally mute was the TV (putting it on mute)... So why do we put the TV on mute... one example that was given.. was as a child when you are doing your homework and you want to still watch TV you put the TV on mute. You try to watch the TV and do your homework at the same time only to discover.. both are sucking. The other thing is you don't get the full experience from the TV because you can't hear it. He talked about singlehood and how God has called many ppl in this community to be single but they are trying to do follow their calling and put a relationship on mute.

This is where I come in. I have been called to singlehood right now and to consecrate myself and not date or hang out with men. I have been trying to continue my consecration while entertaining the idea of a relationship. In doing this I find myself frustrated and surfing this emotional wave.

I was talking to a close friend of mine last night and it hit me, I shared with her, when God calls you to be in a relationship there is no turning back, like that’s it, yall are moving forward. We really need to enjoy EVERYTHING that comes with being SINGLE…SINGLE.. like single not dating single.

In my last month I want to REALLY embrace all the wonderful things of not dating. Many of the principals I have learned will go from a 6 month consecration into a life style.

I Want U!!!

Last Nite, I was having a moment so instead of just accepting it, I decided to get to the core of it and figure out where it was coming from. I decided to read Song of Solomon, WHY did I decide to read Song of Solomon, I have no earthly idea. It’s very romantic, erotic and more. As I was thinking, Dangit, I want someone to pursue me, I want someone to WANT to be with me. I then heard God speak to me, I want you, and I’m pursuing you. This void I had been feeling for so long felt filled (a bit). It was like a feeling I had never felt before in my life. It was an awesome feeling I could trust, God is pursuing me and he wants me, loves me, JUST AS I AM. How wonderful is that? I don’t have to change anything and I can show him EVERYTHING, the good, the bad and ugly.

Past Occurrences

It’s been a while since I’ve last blogged. The commitment to blog once a week, HA, was SHOT. A conversation I had last night prompted me to blog. A few months ago I decided to let go of some people, places and things to fully commit myself to God’s plan for my life. For some time I didn’t speak to or see people I was accustom to seeing. More recently I’ve slowly began to go to some places I use to frequent (they weren’t bad I was just avoiding people) and I’m seeing people from my past.

Well to them I’m the same person; I’ve just been off the scene for a min so some approach me on the same kind of stuff I was on before. Instead of me telling everyone what the deal is with me now, I avoid conversations or ignore certain suggestions. For example, I’m not having sex and so people who I wanted to get down with in the past approach me now and instead of me saying “Naw I don’t get down like that anymore, it doesn’t align with where I am now”, I ignore it. Then I wonder “Why do they keep coming at me like that?”

My friend asked me if I was ashamed or not comfortable with sharing with these people who I am now. I told him it’s not that I’m ashamed but I don’t want to be perceived as something I’m not AND I don’t want them to be like this is only temporary she will be back (kinda deal).

I’m thinking right now, “Why do I care what they think?” Why do I care about what someone or some people who care nothing about me think? Why is this fear of rejection SO STRONG and where does it stem from?? I’ve been reading this book called the “Search for Significance” and it addresses these questions.

On my way to work this morning I was trying to recall the first time I felt rejected and from who…I’m still thinking, needless to say.

Life Map

I am really nervous to share this with you… I didn’t proofread it for fear that I would delete it.

Lately I’ve been asking myself
Why do I desire to be in a relationship so badly?
Why am I attracted to men who are emotionally or physically unavailable?
Why can’t I just BE (ya know)??

I shared this frustration with the ladies in my small group (sidebar SINGLE LADIES put your thumbs up). One of the ladies suggest I go back the way I came. I asked her what did she mean and she said go through your most significant relationships and ask yourself why did you get into it and how did it end? On my way home I started to think on it, I’ve only had 2 significant relationships but as I dug deeper I noticed something. I am not sure I want to share it but then again I wouldn’t be transparent or REAL.

I was in a 7 year relationship that started when I was 15 and lasted until I graduated college when I was 22. I left that relationships and found myself in a pseudo relationship with this guy who had a girl-friend. I spent 3 years going back and forth with this person, trying to convince him and myself I was worth being the “Main chick” “Only One”. I felt like the entire time I was competing not just with the girlfriend (whom later became ex-girlfriend) but with all of the women he entertained. He and I finally became a couple “official” but it didn’t last long. To me, something was still missing and it didn’t feel right. It came to a dramatic end where I walked away for good feeling like I lost. I was given some advice that helped me through the ending. “You have to lose in order to gain” said my pastor. In order to gain the man God has for you, you have to lose the man you have claimed for yourself. So, what made me get into this relationship?

Well once I ended the 7 year relationship someone expressed an interest in me. Although he was taken it felt good that interest was expressed. I knew he had a girl friend but I convinced myself into thinking that I must be better than her or then he wouldn’t be pursuing me. I think I should back-track right now… cause here come the revelation. Dating back to 1st grade the “boyfriend, crush, significant other” whatever you want to call them… left me for another female or had another female (main chick) while talking to me. (EXCEPT for 1 person) That one person is my ex of 7 years which explains why I was with him for 7 years. Ok back to the story… In my last relationship subconsciously I felt like this time I wasn’t going to loose. There was hope… I could win this time. It then became about the Victory and not that person. I was so obsessed with redeeming myself through my relationship I put up with so much JUNK.

The person I was with for 7 years wasn’t like that which is why I felt safe with him. He was my security blanket because no matter what I did he was always there. During the time he and I were together I would often break up to date someone else. Many of these men were in a relationship (I didn’t know about at the time). Once that was over I would go back to my security blanket. Till this day this person still serves as security blanket for me. He is still there for me whenever I need him.

As I sit here forcing myself to get this out… I feel like I don’t know where to go from here. It’s like I’ve swept behind the dresser and emptied out the drawers. I’m sitting in a pile of mess not knowing how to pick the pieces up. I feel like there is more on this journey tracing back. I haven't included the element of my dad which I am so scared to do right now.

Where do I go from here?